12/11/21 by Larry Barker
We have been discussing soul care and are now focusing on family care, team care, member care, and health care. In the area of family care, you must first take care of your marriage. No one can be the husband to your wife that God has called you to be. First and foremost, make sure you are still dating your wife. I saw how one church, Calvary Baptist in Horn Lake, MS, where couples met with their pastor for a Date Night with a Purpose. They had a devotional, a handout sheet, and then the couples headed out on a date to discuss the handout sheets. What a great idea!
Now we want to focus on family care to help everyone enjoy the ministry together. First, make sure you include everyone in the activities to ensure that feel that they are a part of the team. When we were living in Romania, I would have to make in-country ministry visits and I would always take one of our three children with me. They looked forward to their time with me and the other two enjoyed the time with their mother. This gave me the opportunity for quality time and to try to find out how they were doing. What were they enjoying the most? (Always start with the positive first.). Where were they struggling the most?
This gave us the perfect chance to talk heart to heart about what they were very thankful for and what they wished was different. Take advantage of every chance you have to listen to your children. Second, have fun, take field trips, and look for ways to have some quality family time. When you are close to interesting sights and destinations make sure you enjoy them together. When we lived in Romania, we took a tour of Dracula’s Castle in Braun but in the states when we were close, we made sure we visited Mount Rushmore, the Grand Canyon, and any beach that was available. Take family breaks.
Do not miss the big events in their lives. Attend the concerts, school plays, and other activities that they are involved in. Another church meeting is not more important than your children and time passes quickly. Let them know that they are your priority. When my daughter sang in the school talent show we made sure we were there. When the boys were playing football, we knew we would be in the stands on Friday nights. No, you will not necessarily make everything and yes, you will probably miss some things but make sure you prioritize what is important to them because your presence means everything to them.
Let your children serve where they enjoy serving. You should be careful not to overload your family with responsibilities that they struggle with. Challenge them to serve but give them the same consideration you give every member of finding a place where they thrive, enjoy, and are able to utilize their spiritual gifts. All believers should be challenged to do all they can and be willing to do whatever is needed but not have to do everything. I must admit that I have to plead guilty to having given my family jobs they did not want to do because no one else was willing. Be careful and understanding in this area.
Hold your family to a high biblical standard but do not allow others to place unrealistic expectations on them. Your children must behave and be corrected when necessary but some will strive to use guilt to motivate them by reminding them that they are the pastor’s son or daughter. Believe me, they know and they already feel the weight of living in a glasshouse. There is definitely a fine line sometimes, between privilege and being taken advantage of because of your family. Involve them, allow them to find their sweet spot, realize that every child is distinctively different, and give them the space to decide where they will serve.
Be careful what you say and discuss in front of them. If all they ever hear is the bad side of the ministry then they will be tempted to think that all of ministry is negative and begin to pull away. Make sure they are not too close to the conversations that need to take place when going through difficult times. Once I mentioned a wolf in sheep’s clothing at the dinner table. My wife immediately looked my way reminding me the children were present. I changed the subject but a couple of weeks later my youngest walked up to a group of men standing in the parking lot with me and asked which one was the wolf in sheep’s clothing! Be careful.
Pray with your children. Make sure you pray for them but also make sure that you pray with them. They need to hear you praying over them, asking our Heavenly Father to care for them, Jesus to become their Lord and Savior, and the Holy Spirit to guide and direct them. You also need to hear them pray as they begin to develop a hunger and thirst for the things of God. Do not overlook the importance of a family altar. That is an excellent opportunity to disciple your first responsibility, your family. This is easy to skip and overlook but it should be a time that is scheduled, intentional, and protected from being forgotten.
Your family is your first mission field. Begin from day one and continue through the years to train and teach them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.