10/26/20 By Larry Barker
It can be argued that the two hardest things for a leader to do are to accept criticism and confront others. Criticism can crush you when you least expect it and confrontation is never easy. If you looking for a fight then there will eventually be one but Christ will not be glorified. The gospel will be confrontational enough (I Corinthians 1:23-24) and truth is not always well received even though the scriptures admonish us to speak the truth in love. The reality is that all of us will have to at some point confront someone and we need to be prepared.
Dealing with difficult people is a part of church leadership. Moses faced scathing criticism as he led God’s people out of bondage, despite God’s miracles of protection and provision. The Apostle Paul, though suffering sacrificially for the Gospel, faced opposition from church members that hurt him deeply and forced him to defend himself. This is true of churches today whether implementing change, going through transitions, experiencing disagreements or just because some people are never happy about anything.
Do you think tension, and the temptation to disagree might even be amplified right now because of COVID-19 and all of the issues right now? There is spiritual opposition
, power struggles, hard decisions to make, and unity seems to be strained on every decision. The challenge of decision fatigue is real. If someone was not already walking closely with the Lord before all of this happened then disagreement because of disgruntlement begins to exert even more influence in their hearts. How will you confront this negativity?
The process of confrontation begins with your heart. It has been said that, “The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.” Mature leaders who are walking with the Lord will not respond to every criticism nor confront every issue in the lives of others. The real issue will be discernment of always asking; am I overreacting or am I underreacting? There are many roads to success, but there is one clear path to failure: try to make everyone happy. Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
Most of us were never shown or given a clear example of how to work through a problem, work with difficult people, or how to handle conflict. People do not know how to handle conflict resolution because they have never observed a leader, leading through it. Yet, how well you deal with conflict will have a major effect on the health and growth of your people. Do not run from the problem nor avoid it but instead approach it prayerfully and deal with it Biblically. Unfortunately, sometimes there is nothing you can do to resolve the problem.
In Visoneering Andy Stanley wrote, “Visions thrive in an environment of unity. They die in an environment of disunity.” It is not easy to confront difficult people but the scriptures have much to say of the necessity of and the process of doing exactly that. First, be careful to not gossip and talk to everyone else about how difficult they are instead of talking to them. I love how I heard Todd West many times share this core value; “We talk to people not about people.” If you have become consumed with talking about them it is time to talk to them.
Second, do not delay in confronting the issue. Matt 5:9 says, “The peacemakers are blessed, for they will be called sons of God.” All too often you will be tempted to rationalize the situation and delay confrontation with a multitude of excuses readily available; they will not listen, it really is not that big an issue, I have other more important things to do, it is their problem not mine, or they will retaliate somehow. Maybe the most popular excuse is procrastination, “I will handle it later”, because it is not easy and it can be very stressful and disappointing.
Andy Stanley says that even small differences of opinion can be “alignment problems.”
”My tendency is to wait and see if things will work themselves out. In most cases I just don’t want to take the time to get involved. There are always too many ‘important’ things to do. But things rarely work themselves out. The longer I wait, the more complicated things become. When it appears things have worked themselves out, it is usually a case of a problem going underground. And the next time it surfaces, there are more people involved and more issues to resolve.”
Third and the most important, do not allow your anger to cause you to sin. You may be right about the situation but if you allow it to get under your skin you will probably handle it incorrectly. When you lose your temper or handle conflict wrongly you can easily turn the attacker into the victim. People may not remember that what you said was correct but they rarely forget that how you said it was wrong. Paul several times reminds the people that they had seen how he walked and lived among them. They could tell he loved them.
Dealing with difficult people is never easy. While it is necessary though, it is vitally important to be done correctly and with a lot of prayer. Make sure you have talked to the Lord about then more than you have talked to others about them. Seek wise counsel from someone who will give you sound Biblical direction but not just agree with you to confirm that you are right. Trust in Proverbs 28:23, “One who rebukes a person will later find more favor than one who flatters with his tongue.”